Blog Archive

Tue, Feb 16 2010

The Brits

Ladies and gentlemen! It's showtime!

Slavering all night hustlers with white powder chaffing their nostrils and spit flecked mouths chewing the well-worn clichés of music talk, gormless boy bands with their acne buried under make up practicing bad dance routines, token hip indie groups trying to pretend they don't want to be there, badly dressed executives in expensive ill fitting suits, a blur of new bands and skinny kid hopefuls jumping indie chicks in grubby hotel rooms, pop starlets pushing their cleavage into leering middle aged men's bleary yellowed eyes in a blur of expensive booze and blagged cocaine snorted in stinking toilets...

Ladies and gentlemen! It's showtime!

Perhaps the most overblown music awards show is back. Puffing it's pigeon chest out and screaming phrases like 'galaxy of stars' 'legendary x factor runner up' and giving work to slavering paparazzi lining the red carpet taking photos of people you have never heard of and don't really care who they are. It's the Brits- the televised showbiz spectacular that likes to pretend it's a music show.

There's a lot of vile things about the Brits so we as well get them out of the way first.

1. The stage set

I hate those flash stage sets that look like spaceships. All those millions of quids worth of lights and computerized specials effects that are meant to bombard you into servile submission whilst the ant like group fakes their way through their latest half hit and the international superstar polishes their ego.

2. The way the Brits likes to think it's the greatest show on earth.

When it's patently not. It drains all the humanity and excitement out of music and replaces it with bombast and loads of yelling.

3. The name of the show

I even hate it's name- it's like some kind of piece of cod slang, some ersatz cockney- 'oi oi it's the Brits!' it makes yet heart beat faster with national pride.

4. Award ceremonies are rubbish anyway

Awards ceremonies themselves are pointless. You get to vote for the people that they want you to vote for- like a mini list of approved acts from the crumbling major label stables- dancing in the last days of Rome!

It's the tragedy of music coverage on TV that the only mainstream window it gets is this prancing parade of over inflated egos when there is an endless stream of great music out there.

Anyone ever been to a pop gig- I went to see Mica last year and I've never been in a room with so little atmosphere- it's like everyone has been bullied into buying music that they don't really like...and the Brits is part of this process...